To All the Mothers and Daughters

I got the idea to write this blog after discussing life with my boyfriend. I want a family someday. As much as I think adoption is a beautiful thing, I want my own children for me and my future husband.

                I was never technically adopted but I was taken in by my grandparents when I was five years old. They were my father’s parents and that’s important because I did know my father and I loved his limited role in my life until I was thirteen , but I knew nothing about my mother. I remember her briefly and I think about the good and the bad times a lot more frequently then I let people know about but I do not remember her face or much about her, just what my young me has in memories. In fact I have only one picture of her and it was the side of her face.

                My entire life I have struggled with the fact that I didn’t have a mother and that my father was around while I was growing up (he also passed away when I was nineteen).  It seemed from the moment I lost my mother, you never know how important of a role your mom plays until you don’t have one around, and it’s things that most people, especially daughters take for granted. Making mother’s day cards in school,            mother daughter dances, days and activities were hard especially when I was in the girl scouts, I was never able to talk about my first kiss, first dance, first crush, first time I had sex, or my period with my mother, even as I have gotten older I struggle with it like prom dress shopping I went alone, they talked about having a mother’s day when I was in a sorority, I see pictures all the time of mothers helping to dress their daughters at their wedding and notes they write when you are about to have your first child. I guess all of these moments I have missed out on and will forever miss out on. You never really stop missing or loving someone after they die, and for me maybe it was more the idea of a mother that I missed but I always would imagine what she would be like and how she would talk to me and the advice she would give me.

                My mother was the victim of domestic abuse and I was a victim as well ( and will talk about it in another blog post) so there was always this looming question of whether she killed herself and I have cried so many times asking myself, screaming to her, and asking God why she didn’t love me enough to stay on this earth for me, to love and raise me like I deserved, But I will always wonder and just come to my own conclusion that she knew someone else could raise me and she thought there was no other answer for her.

                I have however, been very blessed to have amazing women in my life to take over the mother role at different times when I needed them. My grandmother took the biggest by raising my but to be honest we were not close until after I left for college but now I couldn’t be more blessed or thankful for her, she is my absolute best friend. Other women like Pastor Bonnie who I like to call Pastor Mommy, was a special women and will always be a role model to me. She was my best friend’s mom and her family basically took me in as their own when I was around 8 or so years old. I am just now starting to realize the amazing love and sympathy they must have felt for me to love me like they did, and for the Peltomaa family I will always be extremely thankful and blessed beyond words that God sent me into their lives.  There was always Mrs. Phyllis, Mrs. Charla and Mrs. Roberta too along the way as well that gave me love, encouragement and advice that I needed and am extremely grateful for and will never forget. And last but not least were Tammy Lucius who gave me tough love but made me into the “bitch” that I am and Tina Pollock who loved me and I knew I could always go to her for advice.

                The point of the matter is I want my children to know their parents, both of us, no matter what the love situation between us is. I want them to know that they were conceived in love and I will always be there for them. I want them to know who their family is not come home crying every time someone gives them a family tree assignment. I want them to be able to look in the mirror and say, I look like my mom or I look like my dad. I hope that I can give my daughter everything that I was missing in my life and my sons the same as my brothers wish they had from my mom.

For everyone reading this that knows how I have felt, I hope that you understand that I am sitting in a boat with you and I will grab a paddle if needed. You are not alone in this, there are so many people like you. 

If you feel like you would like to share your experience with me or have something you would like me to talk about in the blog email me at: a_song4hope1123@yahoo.com

God Bless

-          Adriene Song