When I learned that my Dad had
cancer in the summer of 2010 I didn’t know how to deal with it to be quite
honest. I hadn’t been close with him since I was 13 because I didn’t get along with
his wife but before then I had always been a daddy’s girl and I loved him very
much, on my 18th birthday he didn’t call me so I called him and we got into a
huge fight and he basically told me that everything that went wrong while I was
alive was completely my fault and I hadn’t talked to him since that day (sept
2009). After I found out I kind of swept it under the rug, the fact that he was
sick and how I felt about it, when I got home that summer I cried about it once
and I went to see him at the hospital but he didn’t see me, he was just
sleeping because of all the pain meds they were giving him at the time.
After a
while though I decided to forgive my father. The more I thought about losing
him the more it got to me. I heard this song on the radio it was called 7X70 (A
Christian song.) and I really felt as if God were calling me to love and
forgive this man no matter what he did in the past, he wanted to love me now,
did it really matter at all?
It
started out slow at first, he got hospitalized and I went to see him and I
brought pictures of my high school graduation because I made sure at the time
that he was not to be invited (it was kind of my peace offering and I cried as
I showed him and told him how sorry I was that I didn’t invite him), I ended up
running out though because it made me think of losing my grandpa and I didn’t
want that again. I didn’t want to get so close and love this man that I knew
eventually I was going to lose but at the time I decided that maybe I would get
more time with him so I stayed in his life and I don’t regret it at all.
Anyway, I was close with my dad for about three months from
April 2011 until he died in July 2011. I visited him at the nursing home and I
would just sit and talk to him about life and I discovered that we actually had
a lot in common and I learned to love him. I never told him that I loved him
though, and that’s one of my biggest
regrets in life is not telling my dad that I loved him and I hope he knew.
The day
my dad died I went with my sister to Cleveland Clinic and we went from thinking
that he had months to live to being taken out of the room and told to eat while
they ran tests, to weeks to live after the tests were done only an hour after,
to days as 6pm rolled around to, get your stepmother here, to gone at 12:53 am.
I just remember one day saying I wouldn’t care if he died to crying my eyes out
at 8pm praying to God that I wish I had more time because I wasn’t ready to
tell him goodbye. Sobs so loud and heartbreaking I wish I could describe them
to you, but if you have ever lost anyone you know what they sound like as you
bargain with God for just a little bit longer.
When
you lose someone that you love that fast you start to reevaluate the way you
live your life. I take more chances, I do what I want to do, love who I want
and how I want because I have experienced so much in my life that I know for a
fact that one minute you are planning your future and the next it’s gone and
you did nothing with your life. I just want you to understand me, and who I am,
and why I do the things that I do because a lot of people are quick to judge me
and the things that I have done
If you feel like you would like to share your experience
with me or have something you would like me to talk about in the blog email me
at: a_song4hope1123@yahoo.com
God Bless
- Adriene
Song
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