Thoughts on Love

What is true love, and how do you find it, and if you think you have found it, how do you know it’s real? How do you know he is really the one you are looking for?

I have written a couple times about how I met my ex, my again, current boyfriend as I should say now. It was all by chance, what if I had never went to the bar that night. In reality I should not have gone, I had left my “date” early and decided to meet my best friend for a drink, yes the date was in fact that bad, but I never should have even been there that night at all. Can you call it coincidence? Would you call it fate?

I now look back as a young adult on my younger years and wonder what my life would have been like if he were in it with me, after all we did go to the same school. I look back and realize that he was very close my whole life and I never really noticed, was it planned like that? I used to go to sleepovers at my friend’s house and his best friend lived across the street and he was older so we used to go over and try and spy on them (I had forgotten all about these times until I took a walk recently in that old neighborhood), He ran cross country and I had always wanted to join but never had the nerve too, we had very close mutual friends, so close in fact we just discovered we were in the same group going to homecoming when I was a freshman. I wonder if we would have connected this way back then, like it was planned for us.

There is no use in wondering about the past but I do, but more often I wonder about the future. I can’t describe what I feel for him. How do you describe colors to a blind man, it’s something you just know, and experience in your own heart. Why do we try and explain feelings, because I don’t think they are supposed to have words, they just ARE. Our relationship is so strong because of the fact that we don’t get to see each other, all we have are conversations and to get to know each other, physical relationship die because they miss this piece, but we have all the time to communicate and hardly any physical time.

We do have a child together, as you have read about. This was a big part in our journey, he was gone from our lives my entire pregnancy until she was three months old. He was deployed but he could have still had a part, this took a very long time to forgive but ultimately I did because the whole time he was gone, he was all I could think about, he is all I ever think about. I have experienced life without him and I know that I hate it. I never want to be without him again, just hearing his voice is enough for me, not that I don’t dream of the times we could fall asleep together, times I dream to come again soon.

But Forever is such a scary word. F o r e v e r, I don’t know that anyone was in my life all that time, that I can fathom wanting to have someone in my life that long other than my daughter. These are thoughts that plague me day in and out. Why do we feel the need to figure it all out anyway? Why do we rush life? We have our entire lives to decide and we think that in just a year or two we need to decide our entire life out. So I guess I will just sit and wait for this thing to sort itself out and enjoy the ride as I go.

But haven’t we all thought like this? And how many times have we loved and then looked back and wondered how we ever could have thought that way in the first place, how do you really ever know? Just some thoughts and hopefully a more lighthearted post than what you are all used to from me

If you feel like you would like to share your experience with me or have something you would like me to talk about in the blog email me at: a_song4hope1123@yahoo.com
God Bless
-          Adriene Song