For Robin

Rarely ever does the news affect me and never have I wrote a blog about what is going on in Hollywood but I feel like this is necessary for me today, I just feel called tonight to write this and it was kind of prompted by my tattoo artist as well from his statement he made. I am tired of people talking about suicide by calling it selfish because this is just not the case, not in the mind of someone who is battling depression to the point of taking their life.

                I have been there. It is something that I battle often, depression, and only talk about sometimes, but I’ve battled it in many forms throughout the past 6 or so years of my life. It’s more than likely not just a thought someone has just once, sometimes you fully recover, and sometimes you always have that thought in the back of your mind.

                Everyone else is rarely what you are thinking of, it’s you but it’s not selfish. When you are down in that hole of your life, all you want is a way out, something to make you feel better, and sometimes the only way is up, and by that I mean to a better place. Mine was my family and friends. I had lost a lot of people in my life and I was tired of missing everyone, I just wanted to be with them. Heaven.

                Did I not care what everyone else would think if I were to kill myself? Of course I did, but I thought that either they would understand, not miss me, get over it, or mostly be happy that I was finally ok and with the people I loved, where I wanted to be most. I thought that they would be ok without me, now I know that was not true, I was destined for so much more, to be a mother and for whatever my life has in store for me, but at that time I could not imagine such a future. I thought I was stuck, with nowhere to go, nothing else for me. I was in college, not sure what to do with my life.

                So what does it look like? How do we find the hurting? Unfortunately sometimes, you can’t tell. You don’t know ever know how much someone can be hurting inside. This is why I challenge people to be nice to people always, you never know what someone else is going through. On the outside I looked great. I was in a fraternity with a lot of friends, my grades were good, I had a boyfriend, and had a pending job offer. But inside, the hurt was so intense it was tearing me apart. I’m not even sure anyone knew. I shocked my best friend who had practically known me my entire life, to take me to the hospital, I needed help before it was too late. I am blessed to say that even though I still battle depression, I no longer have had another thought of suicide.

                I was one of the fortunate ones, I asked for help, I knew I needed it. Some, aren’t that lucky. I don’t think it’s fair to put down someone for an illness, no matter what the circumstances. That’s what depression is an illness and sometimes suicide is the end result.  BE KIND ALWAYS and watch what you say, just because you have never felt it, doesn’t make it real for someone else.

                If you need help PLEASE seek it, I have been helped through therapy and medication! THERE IS HOPE FOR YOU TOO! 1- 800-784-2433 if you have no one else you feel you can talk to call the suicide hotline!

If you feel like you would like to share your experience with me or have something you would like me to talk about in the blog email me at: a_song4hope1123@yahoo.com

God Bless

-          Adriene Song

Thoughts on Love

What is true love, and how do you find it, and if you think you have found it, how do you know it’s real? How do you know he is really the one you are looking for?

I have written a couple times about how I met my ex, my again, current boyfriend as I should say now. It was all by chance, what if I had never went to the bar that night. In reality I should not have gone, I had left my “date” early and decided to meet my best friend for a drink, yes the date was in fact that bad, but I never should have even been there that night at all. Can you call it coincidence? Would you call it fate?

I now look back as a young adult on my younger years and wonder what my life would have been like if he were in it with me, after all we did go to the same school. I look back and realize that he was very close my whole life and I never really noticed, was it planned like that? I used to go to sleepovers at my friend’s house and his best friend lived across the street and he was older so we used to go over and try and spy on them (I had forgotten all about these times until I took a walk recently in that old neighborhood), He ran cross country and I had always wanted to join but never had the nerve too, we had very close mutual friends, so close in fact we just discovered we were in the same group going to homecoming when I was a freshman. I wonder if we would have connected this way back then, like it was planned for us.

There is no use in wondering about the past but I do, but more often I wonder about the future. I can’t describe what I feel for him. How do you describe colors to a blind man, it’s something you just know, and experience in your own heart. Why do we try and explain feelings, because I don’t think they are supposed to have words, they just ARE. Our relationship is so strong because of the fact that we don’t get to see each other, all we have are conversations and to get to know each other, physical relationship die because they miss this piece, but we have all the time to communicate and hardly any physical time.

We do have a child together, as you have read about. This was a big part in our journey, he was gone from our lives my entire pregnancy until she was three months old. He was deployed but he could have still had a part, this took a very long time to forgive but ultimately I did because the whole time he was gone, he was all I could think about, he is all I ever think about. I have experienced life without him and I know that I hate it. I never want to be without him again, just hearing his voice is enough for me, not that I don’t dream of the times we could fall asleep together, times I dream to come again soon.

But Forever is such a scary word. F o r e v e r, I don’t know that anyone was in my life all that time, that I can fathom wanting to have someone in my life that long other than my daughter. These are thoughts that plague me day in and out. Why do we feel the need to figure it all out anyway? Why do we rush life? We have our entire lives to decide and we think that in just a year or two we need to decide our entire life out. So I guess I will just sit and wait for this thing to sort itself out and enjoy the ride as I go.

But haven’t we all thought like this? And how many times have we loved and then looked back and wondered how we ever could have thought that way in the first place, how do you really ever know? Just some thoughts and hopefully a more lighthearted post than what you are all used to from me

If you feel like you would like to share your experience with me or have something you would like me to talk about in the blog email me at: a_song4hope1123@yahoo.com
God Bless
-          Adriene Song

My Last Letter To A Lost Cause

Some insight to this Blog post. Many people didn't know it but I wrote letters to my ex about once a month after he left me, about once a month or so. I kept writing and hoping he would answer, knowing how pathetic it was and I was. I wanted to  share this with the world because it's important to my journey and it is important for me to share how I feel, for everyone that has ever gone through this and been ashamed to love someone after they clearly doesn't care. 

This is the last letter I will write to you. I can finally say that I am 100% over you. I wish I could say that there is someone else and that is what brought me to this revelation, but there isn’t. I guess the reason behind it is when we first broke up, I kept wondering what would have happened if I wouldn’t have gotten pregnant. I wanted the summer I had dreamed of with you and all the adventure it could have held and just falling more in love with you but I didn’t get that and I was stuck on the idea of it but it doesn’t matter anymore. Whether you want to be a real man and admit it or not, you did get me pregnant and everything changed.

                I used to get so mad thinking about all the things you said to me, the messages and voicemails that you left me that said that you loved me and missed me. It took me a long time to realize and admit to myself that you never really loved me at all. I would read the ones from the night that we went out alone, you went out with Chris and I went to Jokin with Rae and Tiff, and you couldn’t get a hold of me and said that you were scared and never wanted to lose me. I believed you then but now I don’t. I get that you weren’t ready for a kid, but neither was I and IF you loved me you wouldn’t have left, you would have stayed with me, and even if we did break up, you would still be there for this kid, but you aren’t and that’s how I know.

                It hurt, it hurt for a damn long time. In ways that you will never know, being pregnant is hard. Being alone with no one to support you like parents and family, is hard. Having your ex say terrible things about you is hard. Loving a baby and protecting it while also at the same time thinking it might be ruining your life, is hard. I’m glad you didn’t go through that, or maybe I wish you would have, I don’t know.

                So how did I get over all this? There comes a time in your life when you miss the phone calls, someone to talk to, to make plans with, to hold you, to tell you there’s a future. I used to miss you for all of these things, but finally comes a time when you realize that I missed the idea of you, not you. When any man could fill this, not just you. I want someone, a real man, one that’s not going to run scared, someone who truly loves me, and that’s not you, and it finally clicked.

                Someday down the road you are going to wake up and realize that you want to have a real relationship and have kids and I hope you think of us and what you missed out on. I really hope that you regret what you did. I don’t care about me anymore, but I care what your child will think when it’s old enough. Wonder why you weren’t there, and why you didn’t care enough to stay. Feelings I know you have felt, and I have felt and prayed that my child would never feel but that’s how it is, and it’s your fault now.

                I don’t hate you, I really wish you would grow up and be a man and not a selfish boy, but I don’t hate you. I also have no love for you though. I hope deployment is going well. Happy Holidays.

 If you feel like you would like to share your experience with me or have something you would like me to talk about in the blog email me at: a_song4hope1123@yahoo.com
God Bless
-          Adriene Song