My Last Letter To A Lost Cause

Some insight to this Blog post. Many people didn't know it but I wrote letters to my ex about once a month after he left me, about once a month or so. I kept writing and hoping he would answer, knowing how pathetic it was and I was. I wanted to  share this with the world because it's important to my journey and it is important for me to share how I feel, for everyone that has ever gone through this and been ashamed to love someone after they clearly doesn't care. 

This is the last letter I will write to you. I can finally say that I am 100% over you. I wish I could say that there is someone else and that is what brought me to this revelation, but there isn’t. I guess the reason behind it is when we first broke up, I kept wondering what would have happened if I wouldn’t have gotten pregnant. I wanted the summer I had dreamed of with you and all the adventure it could have held and just falling more in love with you but I didn’t get that and I was stuck on the idea of it but it doesn’t matter anymore. Whether you want to be a real man and admit it or not, you did get me pregnant and everything changed.

                I used to get so mad thinking about all the things you said to me, the messages and voicemails that you left me that said that you loved me and missed me. It took me a long time to realize and admit to myself that you never really loved me at all. I would read the ones from the night that we went out alone, you went out with Chris and I went to Jokin with Rae and Tiff, and you couldn’t get a hold of me and said that you were scared and never wanted to lose me. I believed you then but now I don’t. I get that you weren’t ready for a kid, but neither was I and IF you loved me you wouldn’t have left, you would have stayed with me, and even if we did break up, you would still be there for this kid, but you aren’t and that’s how I know.

                It hurt, it hurt for a damn long time. In ways that you will never know, being pregnant is hard. Being alone with no one to support you like parents and family, is hard. Having your ex say terrible things about you is hard. Loving a baby and protecting it while also at the same time thinking it might be ruining your life, is hard. I’m glad you didn’t go through that, or maybe I wish you would have, I don’t know.

                So how did I get over all this? There comes a time in your life when you miss the phone calls, someone to talk to, to make plans with, to hold you, to tell you there’s a future. I used to miss you for all of these things, but finally comes a time when you realize that I missed the idea of you, not you. When any man could fill this, not just you. I want someone, a real man, one that’s not going to run scared, someone who truly loves me, and that’s not you, and it finally clicked.

                Someday down the road you are going to wake up and realize that you want to have a real relationship and have kids and I hope you think of us and what you missed out on. I really hope that you regret what you did. I don’t care about me anymore, but I care what your child will think when it’s old enough. Wonder why you weren’t there, and why you didn’t care enough to stay. Feelings I know you have felt, and I have felt and prayed that my child would never feel but that’s how it is, and it’s your fault now.

                I don’t hate you, I really wish you would grow up and be a man and not a selfish boy, but I don’t hate you. I also have no love for you though. I hope deployment is going well. Happy Holidays.

 If you feel like you would like to share your experience with me or have something you would like me to talk about in the blog email me at: a_song4hope1123@yahoo.com
God Bless
-          Adriene Song