Like I said in my past post about relationships, sometimes they work out and other times they do not. This is a therapy for me and for my readers and there are just some things I need to get off my chest. I met a man at a bar a week before Christmas, I did not think anything of our little fling that we had at first because I knew he was leaving 3,000 miles away and from past experience I knew that long distance and I do not get along. Something happened with him though that I couldn't put my finger on. He wanted to hang out with me, see me, be with me before he left and to me that was a new thing, I was always the one that wanted to be with a guy and this time the tables were turned. I liked the way I felt around him, we could just talk and sit and play games together and I was totally content. Before he left on Christma night, I slept with him and I though that was the last time I would see him, I took one last glance as I slipped on my clothes and left that morning and kind of wished he wasn't leaving but again, I thought he just wanted a fling.
Turns out he didn't and we talked everyday for an hour or so on the phone and texted all the time. I started saying things like, 'I miss you' and 'I wish you were here'. Eventually it turned into 'I love you' and counting down the days until he came back to see me. When he did, though, it was all different. There is a big difference between talking to someone thousands of miles away and being with them face to face, we had a fun week but I had my doubts. When he sailed out I knew I wouldn't be able to talk to him and we had a rough time before with that. I questioned whether we should be together at all but I decided to take it day by day because I honestly did love him and knew that someday, this could work out if I was patient enough.
The tables turned on me though. See, while my boyfriend was gone for 4 months I didn't see any reason to be taking my birth control and when he came home, I wasn't protected, so I found out three weeks after he got back to California, that I was pregnant. I just can not tell you how shattering this was and is to my life.
I decided to take the test after a night out drinking with friends. I had gotten drunk so fast and just wasn't myself (crying and all over the place), I looked back at the past few days and noticed I was a bit off but at the time, I thought nothing of it, I thought 'I'll just buy a test, I've had scares before' but this time I ended up crying on the floor on my grandmothers lap, texting my friends and screaming 'God, why?!'. I went to confirm the next day with the doctors and set up everything with insurance and such but all still wondering, 'what in the hell am I going to do?'
The kicker was, I was supposed to go to California to be with my boyfriend this summer. Could I just not come and make up an excuse? Break-up with him and not tell him about the baby? Get rid of the baby and never tell him? I was completely lost and confused but I decided to tell him about the baby and his answer? Abortion (included with laughing and sucking sound effects). I can't lie, I did think about it. I had all the pamphlets, called to talk to the clinic, talked to my pastor, but it just didn't sit right and he may hate me for that forever, but less than two months after I get out of the hospital for attempted suicide, I didn't know what abortion would do to me. Not in the long run. So I decided to keep the baby, until it came out.
Sometime in July I decided to keep the baby completely, not to give it up. It's scary. I have no idea how in the world I am going to do it by myself. Most people have parents, I don't. I do have a job and am going to school, but will it be enough? I gave up so much to keep this baby, my college, my friends, my boyfriend, and my life as I thought it was going to be. I dreamed of getting my nursing license and moving to Tennessee and doing whatever I wanted until I WANTED to settle down. I wanted to get married first, to have a house and a career first, but those were not the cards that I was handed. I still don't' know for 100% that I can do this, that I can keep this baby, but I have about three family members and a handful of friends I know that could help me. Maybe I just need to keep altering my dreams, I'm just not sure.
There is a lesson to be learned here. Take your birth control is #1 but ladies, please, know who you are dating. I thought I met the love of my life and all it took was a test to turn positive for him to not only leave me, not return my calls or texts, but to totally run my name through the dirt. I went from 'faithful loving girlfriend' for waiting months for him to come home, to 'lying cheating whore' because he "didn't know what I was doing back home," right? Wrong. I know that many of my friends have gone through the same thing and I pray that no one reading this will ever have to experience pregnancy alone, because it is so tough. Later I will post a light-hearted and funny post about my pregnancy but right now, this is how it is for me.
If you feel like you would like to share your experience with me or have something you would like me to talk about in the blog email me at: a_song4hope1123@yahoo.com
God Bless
- Adriene Song
